When was the last time you faced your fears?

Get cozy, it’s story time! And I’m about to reveal something very embarrassing.

For as long as I can remember, water has made me… uncomfortable. As a kid, I was very happy to bob around in the swimming pool, one hand always tightly gripping the side, and only staying in the parts of the pool where I could touch the bottom. I always said that I loved swimming, but I don’t know if you could actually call it swimming. It was more just standing in some water, and maybe walking around from side to side a bit. I also would NEVER put my face in the water. Yikes! No, thanks!

Eventually, when I was somewhere around 12 years old (see? so embarrassing!) I finally got comfortable enough to let go of the side of the pool in the shallow end, and I learned to put my face in the water. I figured out how to swim around without plugging my nose. I even eventually would go to the deep end of the pool, as long as I could keep a death grip on the side at all times. I married Marquis (who had swimming lessons starting from when he was teeny, was on the swim team for about a billion years, was on the water polo team in high school, who is more comfortable in water than on land, and I’m pretty sure was some kind of majestic sea creature in a former life), and because of him I learned to sort of do the proper strokes, and I even got to the point I could swim laps (very slowly) in a deep pool for exercise. My heart rate always got up in those moments, though not usually from the exercise!

Fast forward to last month. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, Marquis’s parents decided they didn’t want a party, and that the only celebration they wanted was to take all their kids and kids-in-law on a fabulous vacation. They decided on the beautiful Hawaiian island of Maui.

I know, you’re feeling pretty bad for me right now, huh?

Included as part of this trip was a snorkeling excursion to the Molokini crater. Have you ever had those moments where you experience two seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time? When I heard about this little adventure, I was both completely terrified and incredibly excited, all at once! What an amazing opportunity! If only it didn’t have to happen in water. And ocean water is so much worse than deep water in a pool! I really enjoy standing on the beach and letting the waves bury my feet in the sand, but I had no desire ever to swim in the ocean. When you start adding in things like an unknown bottom that you can’t see, currents, and slimy critters, I would just rather stand on the beach.

But when was I ever going to have this opportunity again? I knew if I didn’t get in the water, that I would regret it so much.

When the boat got to the crater, my Marquis was the first one in the water. I, however, went to the main cabin for a little snorkeling class. The instructor mentioned that anyone who was a little nervous (nervous, hahaha!!!) about being in the water should take a few minutes checking out the glass bottom section of the boat. I headed down there and found Marquis’s mom hanging out, so I sat down next to her.

For future reference, for someone who hates deep water and is scared of the ocean, putting them in a super dark, small, dank, humid room where they can also start feeling claustrophobic is a BAD IDEA. Very, very bad! There in the dark, I couldn’t help it, I started to cry. It was only a little and I hoped that Marquis’s mom hadn’t noticed, but then she said something and I had to answer, and there was no hiding it then. “You don’t have to do this, you know,” she said. She wasn’t going in the water, and I knew I could just hang out on the boat with her. But again, I would regret it so much, and I knew it. As we sat there in the dark, we saw some flapping from under the boat, and that flapping turned into a leg, and that leg turned into Marquis swimming right up under the glass bottom. I asked his mom, half crying and half laughing, “How can we be so different?!?”

Marquis soon came down the ladder into the glass bottom, and all restraint I had been holding on to instantly left. Poor Marquis suddenly found himself holding a sobbing wife, so confused at what to do. Of course, any girls who are criers out there (raise ’em up ladies, I know I’m not alone!) know that the best way to feel better fast is to just let it all loose and do the big, ugly cry. So thanks Marquis, and sorry, all at the same time!

After my big cry, I decided it was finally time to bite the bullet. I put on every flotation device they had available for use, and I got in the water.

And I suddenly couldn’t breathe. My head was above the water, there was nothing blocking my mouth or nose, but I was up to my armpits in water and too panicked to remember that whole breathing thing. The tears came back, though only a few, thank goodness! I gripped my kickboard and just concentrated on breathing. Breathe in, breath out.

Through all of this was the thought that I knew this was completely irrational. I knew it! We were swimming in salt water, which automatically holds you up. I was wearing the shirt of a wetsuit, which makes you more buoyant. Around my waist I was wearing an ugly yellow banana flotation device. I was gripping the kickboard so hard that my knuckles were white. There was no way I was going to sink! People all around were swimming happily and easily with no flotation devices at all. Kids, little kids, were riding the slide right off the back of the boat into the water and having a grand time. Everything was perfectly safe and fine, but rational thought doesn’t always matter in these situations, and I was more scared than I’ve ever been.

Here I am, completely freaked out:

Luckily snorkel masks make you look funny no matter what, and you can’t even tell that I’ve been bawling my eyes out. Well, you can tell, but let’s pretend that’s just a normalish snorkel smile, ok?

I even freaked Marquis out a bit. I’m not sure he has ever seen me so scared! He was very attentive, hanging out right next to me to make sure I was doing fine. I’ve seen him nervous like that two other times, and each involved me giving birth to one of our children.

Eventually I could breathe again and the tears stopped. Gradually I started to look down at the water, noticing how clear it was, and how you could see the fish swimming around even with your face out of the water. After awhile of that, I actually put my face in the water. Very slowly, bit by bit, I added one more thing and got a little braver. Before too long I was using the snorkel to breathe with my face in the water, and I was chasing fish around to try to see the really pretty ones.

And you know what? I’m so glad I did it!

Here’s my fish, totally comfortable in the water. Crazy boy!

Me, back on the boat and feeling all victorious.

On the boat on the way back, Marquis leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That was pretty impressive.” I thought back over my really ugly cry/freak out session in the glass bottom part of the boat, about how I had to remember how to breathe because I couldn’t control my fear. I thought about the kids fearlessly sliding down the slide into the water with no problems at all, and I thought about how me getting in and paddling around with a billion flotation devices and being too scared to put my face in the water at first probably wasn’t really all that impressive to anyone else. But I had done something huge that day, and he knew it, and I knew it. And yes! It was impressive! How many people can say they have gone out and conquered one of their biggest fears?

And what does that have to do with this little Real Food/healthy eating/exercise blog?

Two things. First, sometimes you won’t be able to buy everything organic. You will eat white rice and bread and (*gasp!*) even sugar. That doesn’t mean that the changes you are making aren’t impressive. Just because you can barely put your face in the water while others are swimming laps around you like it’s no big deal, you are still doing something amazing and you should celebrate that! Only look at your own path, and do the best you can with what you have.  That by itself is crazy impressive. It also leads me to my other point.

Second, are you really doing the best you can? Yes, go easy on yourself and celebrate your victories, but pushing yourself and doing hard things is part of that process! When is the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone? And how did you feel afterward? Those moments don’t come from sitting on the sidelines, and you are capable of much more than you believe.

So tell me, what is your greatest fear?

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